So I saw the Heat..

Warning-Contains Spoilers!

So I recently saw the buddy cop 'comedy' starring Sandra Bullock. And I didn't like it. Allow me to explain why;

This movie is racist, boring, misogynistic, boring, full of itself, boring, obnoxious, boring, sadistic, boring, mean-spirited, boring, unnecessarily crude, boring, unoriginal, boring, unfunny, boring...and did I mention it was boring? If this is the future of buddy comedies, someone shoot me. Not only is this a poor action movie [with very few gunfights except right at the end] but it's also not very original, to the point where even the film calling out it's own stupidity gets boring really quickly. There is nothing fun about this film. 

The plot centres around an FBI agent [played by Sandra Bullock] being transferred to Boston PD, where she is partnered with a psychopathic 'loose cannon' white trash stereotype named Matilda, both of whom are tasked to track down a ruthless drug lord. And if the plot sounds vague coming from me, it's only because the film is so boring you could replace the film with two hours of watching paint dry-and nothing would have been the wiser. 

The film has received a MASSIVE boost online, from the Amazing Atheist promoting the movie on his channel, to 25-30 second ads being played in almost EVERY SINGLE VIDEO EVER promoting said film. Yet it's no surprise that the film's best jokes [or what pass for jokes in this lifeless turkey of a buddy cop action-comedy] were used for the trailer. Because if the trailer was any indication, than you're not going to get much variety in humour watching this movie in full.

Surprisingly, the film is incredibly unoriginal, borrowing story beats from 48 Hours, 21 Jump Street, Police Academy, the Lethal Weapon saga, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop 1&2 and Bridesmaids-all of which I'd much rather be watching than this pointless, overly meandering waste of time. Yet it lacks the subtlety, wit or charm from either of those movies, replacing said qualities with an unhealthy mixture of sadism, misogyny, offensive material and racism. So it's like basically every other MA-rated comedy released over the last ten years. Just add Jonah Hill and you've basically done the filmmaker's work for them.

For example, the film is rated MA17+, and it loves to revel in it's depiction of graphic violence with worrying glee, especially during one scene where the so-called 'heroes' drop a criminal suspect off a building and onto a car-yet the suspect survives for comedic value, likely breaking his spine in multiple places. Another scene is where Sandra Bullock's character tries to help a man choking at a Denny's restaurant by ventilating the throat with a sharp knife and a straw. The result? The man almost bleeds to death in front of everyone in the shop, straw sticking out of his neck as it rains blood everywhere. Fun, Fun, Fun! 

Another example is how the film handles it's female heroines. When they are not portrayed as being incompetent in doing their jobs [letting criminals get away, arresting suspects without a warrant, etc;], they are shown as either psychopathic lunatics [responsible for police brutality, property damage, invasion of privacy, etc;] or need to be rescued by male figures. What's odd is that Sandra Bullock's character is seemingly capable of picking up drugs in hidden compartments [shaming the drug sniffer dogs in the process], yet she cannot figure out a mole in the Department until the very end, despite being a highly trained FBI agent. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. Yet this is the same movie that tries to boast about it's independent female characters....who require the Police Department to bail them out of situations that they themselves escalate far beyond control. Oh, and did I mention some of the more intensely violent scenes [like Sandra Bullock being repeatedly stabbed in the leg] happen to the women? And that any female characters aside from the two heroines are either strung-up neurotic wrecks or spoilt floozies? To quote Y Ruler of Time's running joke 'And Feminism Marches On..'

I also mentioned racism. A frequent running gag is how a petty black drug dealer is frequently brutalised, humiliated and/or likely threatened with death by the heroines of the film. Another running gag is how the two heroines frequently mistake an Albino for being an obvious film villain...despite said albino being depicted as a strawman misogynist only present in the movie to create conflict between the two heroines and the Department, and is killed off in an unceremoniously violent fashion. To quote Shogun-gino from Infamous Animation during his Ten Commandments review, 'Seriously, his whole purpose in this film is to be proven wrong. There is no depth to him.'

And it's boring. Did I mention that? Watching this movie made me fall asleep three times. The first was when the girls enter a drinking montage, intentionally making themselves look like morons in a bar. The second time is when we're introduced to Matilda's white trash family, who are all so wonderfully wretched I couldn't wait until the film killed them off one by one. And the third time was during it's meandering, insultingly saccharine montage where Sandra Bullock's character broods over being taken off the case by her higher-ups. Which wouldn't be a problem, except that this is supposed to be a comedy. And the worst thing a movie can possibly be, let alone a Buddy Cop Comedy, is boring.

And the film handles it's topics of drug abuse, sexism in Law Enforcement and crime in Boston with the poetic wit and charm of a shovel being repeatedly smashed against someone's skull. With the word 'subtle' drawn in crayon all over said shovel, whilst the film takes every three seconds to snicker at it's own message. It tries to have it's cake....yet ends up only eating the crust, and throwing away the rest of the sodding cake in the bin.

I rate this movie a 3/10, only because of the interesting score and opening credits, both of which are the only signs of intelligence in this rat-infested alley of a comedy. If you want to see a good Buddy Comedy, watch Tango and Cash, 48 Hours, or even watch the Lone Ranger. Or you know what? Go watch Hot Fuzz! That's a movie ten times funnier, smarter and with more effort put in than this Hellbat [a fitting term, considering the name comes from an overly ambitious, yet scheming screwup from Transformers Victory] of a Buddy Comedy.